Thursday, March 12, 2009

Sexy times is good times

Horrorbabecentral.com is an incredible site. I'm honestly not sure what kind of demographic it caters to, but if you've ever fantasized about having sex with satan (you totally did, admit it), then this site is for you. In fact, if you've ever fantasized about rimming the puckered hole of an alien while giving him a hand job, then this site is also for you. Vampire Milfs? For you. Invisible sex maniac? Yup, for You. They even have a three part story called Creature Busters, developed by none other than the site creator himself, James LeMay. The story follows a delicious and curvey dark-haired minx named Bunny Mallone and her boy toy/associate Hyde Wallace. Together they hunt for monsters and get off.



I love this Bunny Malone, she's so fucking sexy. I'd let her suck my blood any day. That's right my friend, she could wrap her strong arms around me, pull me in close, and I'd be sovereign to her every wish. I'd give her anything. And yes, I'm totally into this vampire thing. I love the idea of simultaneously experiencing pleasure and pain, and that whole bit about walking a tenuous line between life and death. Or undeath, as it were. Its a sensual overload I'm sure.

At any rate, what I'm trying to say is that there's a lot of interesting things on this site. Things that I didn't know I might be interested in. Like super heroine porn, for instance.

Frankly, I'm a bit of a fitness buff, so you can imagine why I might like this. Just look at all those muscles! I mean, these women are strong. Strong enough to take on extraterrestrial villains - freeing themselves from their tentacular death grips via sheer strength alone!

And while our heroines may end up with a tentacle in every orifice at the end of it all, and despite our heroine essentially being raped by (literally) a one eyed monster only to end up falling in love with her perp, it's still an altogether awesome, fem-centered pornographic experience. Especially if you consider all the ladies out there who have rape fantasies that they can never be act out, either because its taboo, or they have trust issues (and rightfully so), or because you need balls and/or money to hire someone to do it. Why not imagine an hyper-aggressive romp with a creature that doesn't exist in objective reality? Couldn’t be smarter or safer, really.

I know what you’re thinking. “But Salty Academic, these pornos are just a reiteration of the normative sexual objectification of women.” And indeed, you’re right. I mean, its true, tits like those exist only in the minds of men. And yes, the fact that our heroine falls in love with her captor basically supports the notion that women need a good rough-up every now and then to keep them in line. A reprimand that they will be grateful for no doubt.

But frankly, that’s not where I take issue. My problem is really with the fact that this porn, and most porn really, is nothing more than (yet another) subconscious attempt return to mommy. Or rather, to turn you into mommy. You see, those giant tits, ladies, are not sexy to men because they weren’t breastfed, or breastfed too long, or whatever Freudian mumbo-jumbo you want to name it. The depiction of a bounty of booby is a symbol older than sin! It presupposes the showiness of modern pornography, by being just a different kind of showy pornography. Its only difference being an unabashedly conscious attempt to propagate procreation by idealizing fertility. A gentle reminder, if you will, that females are the bastions of generations to come.

And if that’s the case, then that means that these big tittied women are just another iteration of pre-historic porn. A mere reminder of the necessity for reproduction. Which is not to say that purchasing a big, ol' pair of fake titties likens you to a baby-making machine. But it probably does. More so, at least, then the pre-op tranny-esque, flat-chested body of an athletic female. Which is fine by me. And which is also why, come the apocalypse, I probably won't be given the title of Queen Bee - a position aptly suited for spawning. No, with my face and figure, I'd probably be put on late night guard duty.

At any rate, on an up note, I’ll gander that 75% of porn is watched during solo-sexual experiences, and thus, the jiz never completes. Phew! A self-regulating form of eugenics - how very Durkheim.

P.s. Do you think some little neanderthal teen jerked off to the Venus of Willendorf?! Like the workout tape your mom used to have...

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