Seriously? SERIOUSLY?! Futbol clip of the WTF

Clearly somewhere Satan is roaming the Earth, because something truly exceptional has happened. Spain 0 - USA 2. What? What?!

Yeah, that's what. Not like it matters. This is the Confederations Cup and frankly who fucking cares. But USA is going into the final with some of the greatest players from Brazil (Kaka, Robinho and little Pato), so I guess this is worth a mention.



I mean really the only thing I can say quite confidently is that Sergio Ramos needs a big fat c*ock in his mouth, because basically all he is pretty face. He played like Jello in this game, confirming the fact that he's better suited for playing splashy-splashy on the beach in a pair of tight shorts, then for playing footie on the pitch. What's happened to you Ramos? You had so much potential.

At any rate, Spain was kind of whatever and The USA took advantage of some lucky opportunities. That pretty much sums it up. However, the San Francisco Chronicle’s (delusional) Alan Black commented that:

“What we saw today was a foreshadowing. At some point in the
future, the USA will be the best soccer team in the world, and win the
World Cup. That will be the day when an extra star could be added to
the flag, the star of the ‘international’ state.”

Hilarious.

Postcards from the Edge

Here are some postcards I wrote to my bff Ali in 2000 whilst she was living in Paris and I was travelling in Holland. Before Holland though, I had stayed a couple of days in Paris with Ali. And it was one of the single best holidays EVER! We were attacked by her roommate, a Tolouzer named Gregoire, who one night while belligerently drunk tried to breakdown the door to our room screaming all the while, "Open the door you fecking American bitches!"

It was so exciting! We even called the police! And when the cops arrived, Gregoire opened the door and casually asked, "Bonsoir, Il y de problem?" What a freak. Turns out he had kind of a drinking problem. Whoops.

At any rate, I always regret not having lived abroad. But I'm super glad Ali did, and that I was able to visit her. She was the greatest host and the best tour guide. Don't leave me!!

Off the beaten track

Every Wednesday I check out Rob Breszny's freewill astrology in hope that it will illuminate the cosmic order of the coming week. And as is most often the case, Breszny's horoscope leaves me more perplexed than enlightened. But its part of my weekly interweb reading habits, and as such, one that I just can't quit.

This week though, Breszny offers Leo's some sage advice, which I believe coincide with the laws of intention that all humans should abide by.

Here he states that Leo's should chant this mantra, a poem written by Andrea Carlisle to spiders, several times a day:

I am now receiving many fine fat flies in my web. My web is strong and masterful. My web is irresistible to all the attractive creatures I like to nibble on. I am amazingly clever and extremely popular. Even now, hundreds of juicy tidbits are headed toward my web.

Staten Island - The Monaco of New York

Summer-break fun kicked off, oddly enough, with a trip to a little isle off the coast of Manhattan, called "Staten Island". Interestingly, I've lived in the city for exactly ten years now and have never visited this place they call Staten Island. But the ferry ride is free and I was told that a majority of the inhabitants of this place are square-toe loafer wearing guidos, my favorite kind. So despite the fact that we were very tired, we were also very merry, and we rode all day and all night on the ferry...actually we only rode the ferry to and from the isles, but if you've already guessed that I'm quoting Edna St. Vincent Millay, you're a nerd and we should get together for coffee someday.

At any rate, the trip was quite fun. Mostly because I went with my very good friend Ali, who happens to be from my hometown, and whom I've had the pleasure of knowing since I was a wee 16 year old. What I particularly like about Ali is that despite both of us being unnecessarily over-educated, when we get together, our collective IQ plummets 100 points. And we spend hours being silly and crude, and offensive. Needless to say, this field trip was Ali's brain-child and it was brilliant.

We met in Brooklyn and walked over the Brooklyn Bridge, then proceeded to stroll through the financial district, and then to the Staten Island ferry where two young Israelis asked us where the tickets for the Statue of Liberty were sold. I felt good about myself when I flippantly directed them over to Battery Park.

Then it was on to the boat the Captain Spirit of America (Boo-Ba-Da-Boop!). The boat, and yes it is a "boat," since as Sailor Dave once explained, ship's are vessels that carry boats (call me Sailor!), had three floors and possibly a snack bar. Honestly, I didn't really look around the boat since the minute we were bull-penned onto it, Ali and I bee-lined for a seat on the outside deck like proper tourists and were already scouting guidos and trying to identify various landmarks (I the former, she the latter). In light of all of this we saw nary a guido, but did determine that Governor's Island is haunted.

20 minutes after cruising the Hudson, we finally landed on Staten Island, and were surprised at how quaint it was - kind of like the Monaco of New York! Granted we only walked in a radius of ten blocks from the ferry terminal into, what we aptly called Staten Island Village, but what is probably called something else. This is mostly becuase I was scared. But Ali is brave and held my hand and we traversed the four blocks away from the ferry dock. None the less, it felt as if we were on vacation in some New England shore-town. We even had lunch in a restaraunt named Karl's Klipper, which was a total yokel bar.

At the Klipper, which is what I'm sure the local's call it, we were given fun and educational placemats that showed all the US presidents up to George Walker Bush (racists!). Naturally, after we realized that there are presidents we've never even heard of, we commenced a rousing game of "Who would you fuck?" And if I may, James Monroe is one sexy piece.

After lunching we headed back to the ferry. As per usual, I was suffering a bloated belly, and Ali did not feel obligated to indulge me in a little tummy rub. On our way back to the port we were accosted by a bus driver, who surreptitiously snuck behind us and hissed "do you need a ride?" I was startled. But Ali, ever the wayfaring traveller, understood what this man was implying, and politely said, "No thanks."

And after that it was pretty much back onto the boat and back to Manhattan. The trip back was kind of romantic - it started to rain as we passed by Lady Liberty - and had Ali been a guido I would've totally put the moves on her. But despite all the fun we had on Staten Island, we were both subdued with melancholy. See, part of the impetus for this little excursion is due to the fact that Ali will be moving to San Fransisco in August. Which is to say that my circle of friends will be reduced significantly, thus leaving me all alone in this cold-cold world...

At any rate, for your pleasure, just some interesting facts about Staten Island:

The Indian name (that's the term that was used on the site where I pulled this fact, and its staying) for Staten Island is Monacnong, or Enchanted Woods.

The first recorded European contact with the island was in 1524 by Giovanni da Verrazzano (an absolute guido, no less) who sailed through The Narrows.

In 1609, Henry Hudson established Dutch trade in the area and named the island Staaten Eylandt after the Staten-Generaal, the Dutch parliament.

Post-semester Bender

The year has finally come to a close and as is normally the case in academia I'm still working on various projects for the sake of vocational posterity. And not doing a very good job of it, might I add. This is because technically I should be on vacation, frolicking on some distant beach with a young, sun-kissed local. But I'm not - I'm in Brooklyn. Engaging in a never ending circle of writing and researching projects that I already wrote and did research on. It all once seemed so determinate...

However, not one to postpone a celebration due to lack of funds or lack of friends or lack of want, I spent all last week making up for the last four months where I was camped in the Batcave, hunched over books, turning humans into numbers, attempting to predict the mental health of New Yorkers in light of the economic crisis and pecking at the computer until my eyes bled. Which is why, I believe, the little bender I went on this last week was completely merited.

So stay tuned folks!

Here comes the first week of summer vacation in the life of the Salty Academic.


Note: This is the first picture that comes up when one googles "Summer Vacation" - so apropos.